When life is like a game of chess

My life, at the moment, seems very like a game of chess, my kind of chess. I like playing chess and I want to be a good chess player so, at the moment, I don't mind loosing a game of chess, but there comes a point, in every game that I play with Tanos, where I realise I don't have enough pieces left to protect the King.
At this point I know that the game is lost, but I simply cannot bear to resign. Instead we play another 4 or 5 minutes, with me desperately being chased around the chess board, until the inevitable "checkmate" is achieved. It reflects some aspects of my life perfectly.

Tanos and I live in an old house. It is filled with character, but has no warmth (it has no central heating!) English winters are not too nice without central heating and I really do hate being cold. We tend to light the fires in the rooms we are using, with the result that one room of the house is lovely and warm but the rest of the house is freezing.

One night, not too long ago, we were sitting by the fire after dinner...

Tanos:"Are you warm enough, lianne?"
lianne:"Yes, thankyou, Master."
[Ofcourse, Tanos asking me if I am warm enough is not an enquiry about my comfort, it usually precedes an order to undress. As usual I remembered this just as the "thankyou" passed my lips.]

lianne:"...although it is a little cold, Master." [at which point Tanos did his "too late" smile]
Tanos:"I think you are a little overdressed, lianne."
lianne:"Yes, Master."

Once undressed I settled back to my book in the vane hope that would be the end of it.
Tanos:"Perhaps if you are too cold, lianne, you should go and put on your body stocking." [Tanos does let me wear a body stocking if the house is particularly cold]
lianne:"That's OK Master, I am warm enough, thankyou." [which actually means,"I would rather not go upstairs, naked, when it's this cold!"]
Tanos:"Go and put your bodystocking on, lianne." [Tanos likes the body stocking but he doesn't like me trying to get out of things.]
lianne"Master, it's very cold upstairs."
Tanos:"Yes."

Now, this is the point where I realise the game is lost, but no way am I giving up. I don't want to go upstairs in the cold and I am thinking how selfish it is of Tanos to expect me to go upstairs after I got undressed and not before.
So I go upstairs to bring the body stocking but I go up in a real strop. I put on my best "I am so disgruntled" face and I stamp on every step all the way up and all the way back down.

Finally I flop back down infront of the fire and put the body stocking on in such a huff its a wonder that it stayed in one piece.

If that's not enough I am now feeling pretty angry and frustrated with myself for allowing my feelings to get the better of me and acting in such an unnecassary and fruitless fashion. After all the order was no big deal and my actions, I knew, would have absolutely no effect on whether they would be changed or not.

So I picked up my book and prayed that would be the end of it. I could feel his eyes on me, and so I had to concentrate really hard on reading the words without any hope of making any sense of them. [I was running out of board and "checkmate" was imminent.]

Tanos:"Perhaps we should have a little conversation." [Tanos speak = We are going to talk about this]
lianne:"Yes, Master, what would you like to talk about?" [last hope].
Tanos:"Stroppiness." [Last hope disappears.]
lianne:"Yes, Master, and then, perhaps, we could talk about selfishness?" [last ditched attempt at recovery]
Tanos:" OK, you start."
lianne:"but I always have to start, Master."
Tanos:"Yes."

So we have a long converstaion about stroppiness, how I felt and how I feel, what is acceptable behaviour and what is not.
Most of the conversation consists of me talking and Tanos listening. As the conversation progressed I came to realise that I play chess.
I understand, now, that sometimes I fight, not because I think I can win, not even because I want to win, but, simply, because I have developed a habit of fighting. A habit which needs to be broken because acceptance is the reward for breaking it.

We never did have the conversation about selfishness, in any other relationship it would have been meaningful, in this relationship it is irrelevant to the point of being senseless.

Checkmate.

lili

Following on from this, someone expressed concern about my apparent "unslavelike" behaviour, and stated that such behaviour should not be tolerated by a Master. Here is Tanos' reply:

"By punishing a slave for inappropriate behaviour without investigating why it's occuring, you risk letting her get away with retaining inappropriate emotions. Responding to behaviour like that with punishment rather than analysis while the emotions are still bubbling away under the surface and exposable, just forces her to hide what she's feeling and show compliance.

At the time, lianne would have much prefered that I let her off with a punishment rather than the conversation which forced her to confront why she was being sulky, that I wasn't satisfied with her because of it, and that she needed to change how she thought about things (it's yet another example of slaves needing to let go: ie to accept its my right to send her upstairs wearing whatever I choose.)

The analysis we did was far more emotionally distressing to her than most of the physical and mental punishments I do if I'm met with point blank refusal to act. (As you've seen, I usually insist she does the things she's told first, and then sort out her emotions second.)

The thing to remember here is that this isn't a BDSM chatroom. We're concerned with changing and controlling the slave's actions and thoughts at all levels, not just the surface layer of behaviour. This necessarily involves taking the time to lay foundations and root out problems, even if this means periods of what roleplayers call "unslavelike behaviour."

As it says in the Internal Enslavement FAQ: "It often involves "disrespectful" comments and even outbursts in the short term, but buys the Master genuine (rather than just superficial) respect in the long term. Every disobedient thought and rebellious feeling is another portion of the slave that he does not truly possess. IE is a method for taking possession of the whole slave over time."

Tanos (November 2000)