O&P website and blog,
are where most of my new writing on M/s appears. The IE website will stay
online indefinitely to host the IE Essays and lili's writings.
lili and I pursued our M/s relationship from 2000 to 2008, and lili has kindly given her permission for these essays and posts to remain here, in the hope that submissives and slaves will continue to be helped and inspired by them.
Resistance, Reactance and Changes
Posted by lili on Sat 30 Sep 00, 11:00 PM
I thought I'd write a little about acceptance and
changes, really, because I have been through some
strange times because of resistance and reactance to
the changes brought about by the increasing loss of
authority in areas of my own life.
In the past (and on more than one occasion) I have been
through a wealth of reactions and emotions. At the time
I didn't really understand why. In the past Master and
I have always been able to, pretty much, accurately
analyse my reactons to things. Usually I could pin
point a trigger and then we would be able to discuss
what was going on.
More recently I became unable to do this. I had been
wonderfully happy and at peace with everything in my
life one minute and then seriously upset and crying the
next, without there being any real trigger that I could
I had thought about it alot and it felt much the same
as grieving. This really surprised me. We have always
fully expected (and have dealt with) periods of
resistance that involved me fighting (or defying)
Masters authority, but this really did catch me
I think that it had alot to do with letting go and
changing. Letting go of my old ways of reacting, my old
ways of feeling. Even familiar actions or emotions.
Everything seemed to have changed, somehow. As though
someone had changed all the rules whilst I was sleeping.
My old ways of dealing with things didn't (and still
don't) work anymore, infact some of them I don't even
attempt to try anymore.
I also realised just how much I am comming to rely on
Tanos' consistancy and support and even this felt
strange (I have never allowed myself to rely on someone
else for my happiness, security, sanity etc).
My need for control began to increase, not just mental
but physical, to the extent that I had begun to
eroticise things like breath control. (Although this
need didn't involve strangulation it still scared me
quite a bit).
Resistance and reactance takes some perculiar and
unexpected forms, no matter how prepared you think you
are it has a habit of taking you unawares.
I guess that the first sign that this particular period
of reactance was comming to an end was the realisation
(or was it revelation) that _I_ didn't have to find a
way to fix this, it was Masters' problem to solve and
not mine. The feeling of relief was overwhelming.
Edited Sat 30 Sep 00, 11:45 PM by lili