O&P website and blog,
are where most of my new writing on M/s appears. The IE website will stay
online indefinitely to host the IE Essays and lili's writings.
lili and I pursued our M/s relationship from 2000 to 2008, and lili has kindly given her permission for these essays and posts to remain here, in the hope that submissives and slaves will continue to be helped and inspired by them.
The perception of needs
Posted by lili on Mon 9 Oct 00, 5:53 PM
Someone pointed out recently how an ownership based
relationship can often, quite mistakenly, be regarded
as the cure for all ills and how many submissives
hold on to the belief that finding the right partner is
the answer to all their problems, no matter what their
I think we see this in many areas of life. Just like
the battered wife who believes "if only I'd had his
meal ready in time".
The many women and men who believe "If only I were
thinner", the poor man who wishes "If only I had more
money".The list goes on and life is full of "if onlys".
People desperately seek answers to life's
problems, and there are many who exploit perceived
Advertising, miracle diet potion producers, lottery
business', get rich quick scammers, religious
fanatics, cult leaders the list goes on and on. All
tapping into the desire to be worry free, perfect and
whole. The desires most of these people fulfill are
their own and the perceived "needs" their victims have
are often not real needs at all. The most difficult
part for most people is weeding out the real needs
from the perceived needs and then accepting those needs.
The first step in any ownership based relationship is
weeding out your need for ownership (either to be owned
or to own) and then accepting it as a _need_.
The acceptance part, in itself, can be quite difficult
for both Dominant ("abuser") and submissive
("doormat"). For most of our lives we are taught that
the actions which manifest in ownership relationships
are bad. On the surface they appear even abusive. (Try
to imagine explaining to your vanilla friends and
family the dynamics of your relationship and getting
approving nods and understanding, see what I mean?).
It is difficult to explain why an ownership based
relationship, in so many ways, is far more healthy for
us than any other kind of relationship other than
saying that it addresses our real (and not our
perceived) needs. This does not just happen because one
is a Master and one is a slave.
As has been pointed out many times in the past, an
ownership based relationship takes work, from both
As the person who prompted this weblog points out:
"If you know little to nothing about this way of life,
how could you know what it will mean for you to live
it, how do you know if its what you need?"
I think this can be so difficult. I know that, from my
own experience, there are so many parts of this kind of
relationship which are as I expected and so many parts
which are nothing like I believed they would be.
Ironically the absolute closeness and loving are what
took me most by suprise. The passion (not just sexual)
the "natural" way we are with each other and the
absolute and overwhelming need to be an integral part
of another persons life.
I know, from my own relationship, why it is so hard to
find other Master-slave couples. They simply don't feel
a great need for community when they are together.
This said it is so nice to have sympathetic and
understanding friends. "Role play", for us, is what we
do in the vanilla environment. Its nice to socialise
and _not_ have to roleplay.
So how do you go about knowing that ownership is what
you need? I always find writting things down is useful,
sometimes simply to put order to my thoughts and
examine how I am feeling. Mailing lists are good for
this sometimes, although I have been "burned" (well
shot down in flames would be more accurate) once or
twice for not picking the rights ones to express
certain views or opinions.
Ultimatley I guess its about being absolutely (and
quite brutally) honest about what makes you feel secure
and what does not. That has to be the starting block,
the way everthing else develops will depend on the
paths you (and eventually your Master) choose to
Edited Fri 6 Jul 01, 9:51 PM by lili