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The O&P website and blog, forums, and wiki are where most of my new writing on M/s appears. The IE website will stay online indefinitely to host the IE Essays and lili's writings. lili and I pursued our M/s relationship from 2000 to 2008, and lili has kindly given her permission for these essays and posts to remain here, in the hope that submissives and slaves will continue to be helped and inspired by them.

The perception of needs

Posted by lili on Mon 9 Oct 00, 5:53 PM

Someone pointed out recently how an ownership based relationship can often, quite mistakenly, be regarded as the cure for all ills and how many submissives hold on to the belief that finding the right partner is the answer to all their problems, no matter what their problems are.

I think we see this in many areas of life. Just like the battered wife who believes "if only I'd had his meal ready in time". The many women and men who believe "If only I were thinner", the poor man who wishes "If only I had more money".The list goes on and life is full of "if onlys". People desperately seek answers to life's problems, and there are many who exploit perceived needs.

Advertising, miracle diet potion producers, lottery business', get rich quick scammers, religious fanatics, cult leaders the list goes on and on. All tapping into the desire to be worry free, perfect and whole. The desires most of these people fulfill are their own and the perceived "needs" their victims have are often not real needs at all. The most difficult part for most people is weeding out the real needs from the perceived needs and then accepting those needs.

The first step in any ownership based relationship is weeding out your need for ownership (either to be owned or to own) and then accepting it as a _need_. The acceptance part, in itself, can be quite difficult for both Dominant ("abuser") and submissive ("doormat"). For most of our lives we are taught that the actions which manifest in ownership relationships are bad. On the surface they appear even abusive. (Try to imagine explaining to your vanilla friends and family the dynamics of your relationship and getting approving nods and understanding, see what I mean?).

It is difficult to explain why an ownership based relationship, in so many ways, is far more healthy for us than any other kind of relationship other than saying that it addresses our real (and not our perceived) needs. This does not just happen because one is a Master and one is a slave.

As has been pointed out many times in the past, an ownership based relationship takes work, from both parties. As the person who prompted this weblog points out: "If you know little to nothing about this way of life, how could you know what it will mean for you to live it, how do you know if its what you need?"

I think this can be so difficult. I know that, from my own experience, there are so many parts of this kind of relationship which are as I expected and so many parts which are nothing like I believed they would be. Ironically the absolute closeness and loving are what took me most by suprise. The passion (not just sexual) the "natural" way we are with each other and the absolute and overwhelming need to be an integral part of another persons life.

I know, from my own relationship, why it is so hard to find other Master-slave couples. They simply don't feel a great need for community when they are together. This said it is so nice to have sympathetic and understanding friends. "Role play", for us, is what we do in the vanilla environment. Its nice to socialise and _not_ have to roleplay.

So how do you go about knowing that ownership is what you need? I always find writting things down is useful, sometimes simply to put order to my thoughts and examine how I am feeling. Mailing lists are good for this sometimes, although I have been "burned" (well shot down in flames would be more accurate) once or twice for not picking the rights ones to express certain views or opinions.

Ultimatley I guess its about being absolutely (and quite brutally) honest about what makes you feel secure and what does not. That has to be the starting block, the way everthing else develops will depend on the paths you (and eventually your Master) choose to explore.

Edited Fri 6 Jul 01, 9:51 PM by lili

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