O&P website and blog,
are where most of my new writing on M/s appears. The IE website will stay
online indefinitely to host the IE Essays and lili's writings.
lili and I pursued our M/s relationship from 2000 to 2008, and lili has kindly given her permission for these essays and posts to remain here, in the hope that submissives and slaves will continue to be helped and inspired by them.
Posted by lili on Fri 3 Nov 00, 2:40 PM
In the beginning I was scared and insecure and feeling
vulnerable. I had begun to understand my needs and that
those needs were not conventional but I didn't really
understand why that was or what that would mean for me.
I knew what the idea of slavery did to me. I knew how
my mind and body reacted to the concept of being owned
by someone. I did not know how that would feel or how,
indeed, one was supposed to go about becomming the
property of someone.
For six months Master and I lived as Master and slave.
He gradually chipped away at those walls inside my
head. Bit by bit more and more of me was revealed to
him. Stage by stage he exerted his authority and
slowly, piece by piece he gained control of me.
Eventually we were there. My acceptance of my status to
him was internalised. I was his slave.
But this was not the end. Just the beginning of
something else, something new. Just like the child who
finally finishes school and starts their first day at
work, I suddenly realised that I am not finished I have
merely reached the start of something new.
I am scared and insecure and feeling vulnerable. I know
that, just like before, my fears are based in not
knowing what I have to do, how long it will take or
what changes it will bring to me.
Master says that all I have to do is let go. The
changes are about what is done, not who I am. I have
nothing to fear. I trust him, I trust that he loves me
and so he will not let me be lost again.
This time we are working on my behaviour, the way I
react and the things that I do. I am to change some of
the things that I do and some of the ways I react so
that I will be more pleasing to him. I will be
something more than I am now.
It excites me. It scares me. It confuses me.
It will happen and when it does I will bring him
greater pleasure. I will not be hindered by my foolish
pride nor hurt by my own self deprivation.
I will be able to accept his word without judgment or
reactance. He will have unquestioning obedience.
He will have it because I am his.
I will be freed from the burden of this insatiable need
for the acceptance and approval of all. I will feel his
acceptance and seek only his approval to satisfy my
..and I will have it because I am his.
Edited Fri 3 Nov 00, 3:19 PM by lili