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The O&P website and blog, forums, and wiki are where most of my new writing on M/s appears. The IE website will stay online indefinitely to host the IE Essays and lili's writings. lili and I pursued our M/s relationship from 2000 to 2008, and lili has kindly given her permission for these essays and posts to remain here, in the hope that submissives and slaves will continue to be helped and inspired by them.

Another beginning.

Posted by lili on Fri 3 Nov 00, 2:40 PM

In the beginning I was scared and insecure and feeling vulnerable. I had begun to understand my needs and that those needs were not conventional but I didn't really understand why that was or what that would mean for me. I knew what the idea of slavery did to me. I knew how my mind and body reacted to the concept of being owned by someone. I did not know how that would feel or how, indeed, one was supposed to go about becomming the property of someone.

For six months Master and I lived as Master and slave. He gradually chipped away at those walls inside my head. Bit by bit more and more of me was revealed to him. Stage by stage he exerted his authority and slowly, piece by piece he gained control of me. Eventually we were there. My acceptance of my status to him was internalised. I was his slave.

But this was not the end. Just the beginning of something else, something new. Just like the child who finally finishes school and starts their first day at work, I suddenly realised that I am not finished I have merely reached the start of something new.

I am scared and insecure and feeling vulnerable. I know that, just like before, my fears are based in not knowing what I have to do, how long it will take or what changes it will bring to me. Master says that all I have to do is let go. The changes are about what is done, not who I am. I have nothing to fear. I trust him, I trust that he loves me and so he will not let me be lost again.

This time we are working on my behaviour, the way I react and the things that I do. I am to change some of the things that I do and some of the ways I react so that I will be more pleasing to him. I will be something more than I am now. It excites me. It scares me. It confuses me. It will happen and when it does I will bring him greater pleasure. I will not be hindered by my foolish pride nor hurt by my own self deprivation.

I will be able to accept his word without judgment or reactance. He will have unquestioning obedience. He will have it because I am his.

I will be freed from the burden of this insatiable need for the acceptance and approval of all. I will feel his acceptance and seek only his approval to satisfy my need.... ..and I will have it because I am his.


Edited Fri 3 Nov 00, 3:19 PM by lili

 
 
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