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The
O&P website and blog,
forums,
and wiki
are where most of my new writing on M/s appears. The IE website will stay
online indefinitely to host the IE Essays and lili's writings.
lili and I pursued our M/s relationship from 2000 to 2008, and lili has kindly given her permission for these essays and posts to remain here, in the hope that submissives and slaves will continue to be helped and inspired by them.
Enslavement and the threat to self
Posted by lili on Tue 28 Nov 00, 10:27 AM
One of the biggest problems I had (and to a much lesser
extent still do have) is coping with the very real
experience of "threat to self".
I am not one of the "fragile children" so many
submissives are described as. I have learned to cope
and survive for most of my adult life alone. My
coping mechanisms have revolved around displaying other
peoples ideals.
Like most submissives, I have a deep need to be found
pleasing. My worth has been wholly dependant on the
feedback of others. (Something that is
part nature and part nurture for me.)
I survived by instinctually learning what I needed to
be to please the different people in my life. This
involved a great deal of acting and a great deal of
hiding the parts of me that *I* believed others
wouldn't find pleasing. In effect I became apt at
displaying two dimensionl characters and all the time
the real me (the whole me) was locked away, safely,
behind the psychological walls I have spent a lifetime
building.
One of the biggest problems I have had to face in this
relationship was my inability to use these defenses
against Tanos. He bases the whole of our relationship
on total possession (what he calls Internal
Enslavement) and that involves him knowing (and
ultimately controlling) the whole me.
I have seen people describe the behavioural (physical)
control of their slave. I once got into a long
arguement about behavioural control being the
only way to enslave someone (ie if you can make them
act like a slave then they are enslaved.)
There has been occasions when I have wished that Tanos
did just that, I swear, taking a beating would be far
easier than the psychological analysis
we do sometimes during periods of reactance, but I know
that the results
would be shallow. I would simply learn to display
compliance. I would
become another two dimensional (ideal slave) character.
He wouldn't possess me.
So, one of the hardest things about being enslaved is
dealing with the perceived threat to self, and for a
submissive who has learned to hide so well in society
that threat can feel very real indeed.
Edited Wed 21 Feb 01, 9:31 AM by lili
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