O&P website and blog,
are where most of my new writing on M/s appears. The IE website will stay
online indefinitely to host the IE Essays and lili's writings.
lili and I pursued our M/s relationship from 2000 to 2008, and lili has kindly given her permission for these essays and posts to remain here, in the hope that submissives and slaves will continue to be helped and inspired by them.
Posted by lili on Mon 16 Apr 01, 2:36 PM
I haven't written a weblog for quite a while,
motivation seems to be somewhat sporadic at present.
Motivation is a strange thing. I've taken it for
granted for so long that, once the reality of having my
motivation controlled by someone else hit home, it
really does feel quite strange.
Again, for me, its been one of those things that I've
understood for quite some time, logically, that Tanos
would gradually take enough control that he would
control my motivation, but its only recently that I
have come to realise what that actually does mean.
The obvious thing I thought about was obedience. I
understood how he would eventually come to know enough
about me that he could influence my motivation to
follow orders. Enough to dictate obedience to a lesser
or greater degree. What I wasn't prepared for was the
dependance this fosters.
The realisation of what this meant only had an impact
on me while he was out of the country this last time.
Suprisingly [for me anyway] I really did find it
I had virtually no motivation to do anything at all and
for someone who prided herself on her ability to "go it
alone" for years I found myself increasingly frustrated
I managed to get myself to work and back, feed myself
[jacket potatoes and pot noodles are
wonderful...honest!] and keep myself reasonably clean
and tidy. I tried to keep busy, just so that the days
would pass more quickly, but it was all such an effort.
I spent the whole of Sunday painting walls and doors
that needed painting. That took motivation, yes, but I
started out with the intention of painting one door and
ended up painting 2 doors, skirting boards, the hallway
and the bathroom walls, purely because it was too much
effort to think of something else to do.
Pathetic? You bet! By the end of the week I felt
totally frustrated, annoyed and quite ashamed of how
pathetically dependant I was feeling.
Its odd but I always seem to ease into the obvious M/s
stuff, I'm prepared so well for most of it. Obedience,
expectations of service, rules and rituals and all
those things that, as slaves, we do different. What I
never seem to be prepared for are the ways in which the
dynamic of our relationship spills out, over and into
all those other aspects of my life.
In many ways Tanos being away made me more vulnerable
to these feelings. Things seem to be that much more
intense when he's away. I guess its because I feel
vulnerable and have a tendancy to look for familiar
things when I feel that way [like a child who hugs the
familiar old bear, tatty as it is.]
I look for familiar ways of dealing with vulnerability,
and those familiar ways are to act strong, to deal with
things and not to ask for help. Trouble is, I don't
seem to be able to do that anymore, not like I used to.
Now I flounder and get frustrated with me and angry
with him for making me so pathetic.
Worse than that, he comes home and puts it all right.
He makes dependancy feel so familiar when he's here.
Familiar, safe and secure.
We talked alot when he got home. Really worked through
those feelings and insecurities. He has some answers,
things that will help me the next time he is away.
Surrounding me with familiar things sounds good.
Not just physical things but familiar routines,
familiar rituals. Things I can hold on to until he gets
Edited Mon 16 Apr 01, 3:12 PM by lili