Two years of changes...

Posted by lili on Fri 15 Mar 02, 10:40 AM

Perhaps change is the biggest thing I've notice about myself over the past two years, which is weird, really, for someone who, generally, hates change as much as I do.

My confidence has grown, not that I was ever a shrinking violet. Looking back I can see what an over- confident act I used, just to keep people at arms length. I was so scared that they would see how insecure I was about things, how scared I was of rejection. No, now it feels different, it feels far more private, quiet somehow. Yes, quiet is a good word.

Tolerance is another change, not that I believe I was particularly intolerant either, it just that I know how much my views on so many things have been changed these past 2 years. I suppose that much of this comes from having the freedom to explore and express how I really think and feel about, well, most everything.

I don't believe there is anything I could shock Tanos with, even though some of the things I feel free to explore, if only in theory, have shocked me. One of the most significant things, in this respect, has been my feelings about my own sexuality and how that fits at the moment and how it has the potential to fit into my world.

Like so many things in my life I have always bought into, and held firmly onto what other people told me was my "norms". Like the good girl I am, I did not stray, not even in thought, outside of those barriers which held me so tightly on, what others believe to be, the right track for me. If a relationship had any hope of a happy ending for me it had to be strictly heterosexual and absolutely monogamous. Like so many of my old, unquestioned, norms I am not so resolute about them now.

In my pursuit of absolute security I always believed that monogamy was the only wayI could live my life. The reality, however, has been somewhat different. Security, for me at least, has been an integral part of my enslavement. It has grown from the openess and honesty and the comittment, love and intimacy so prevalent in our relationship. One thing I've learned is that security doesn't come from numbers, so it really doesn't matter whether those things take place between two individuals or more than two individuals, so long as all the people involved in a relationship work hard to achieve that level of security.

When I was first hoping to develop a D/s relationship I would have dismissed the notion of any relationship which was not monogamous, without really knowing why. That said, I am no fool, I am aware, if only in theory, of some of the problems that can arise when a man develops a relationship with more than one woman, let alone attempts to hold them both as slaves. I also know that I am talking, at present, from a purely monogamous relationship. Still, I can't help thinking how special it must be to have a relationship in which all those involved experience such a high level of security, because, in order to feel that secure there would have to exist so much love, caring and intimacy. Those people have developed something wonderful.

Perhaps my freedom to explore so many things comes from another significant change in me, my apparent shift from absolute pessimist to eternal optimist. On reflection I can honestly say it's been the best two years of my whole life (so far.)

Edited Fri 15 Mar 02, 11:52 AM by lili