O&P website and blog,
are where most of my new writing on M/s appears. The IE website will stay
online indefinitely to host the IE Essays and lili's writings.
lili and I pursued our M/s relationship from 2000 to 2008, and lili has kindly given her permission for these essays and posts to remain here, in the hope that submissives and slaves will continue to be helped and inspired by them.
Two years of changes...
Posted by lili on Fri 15 Mar 02, 10:40 AM
Perhaps change is the biggest thing I've notice about
myself over the past two years, which is weird, really,
for someone who, generally, hates change as much as I
My confidence has grown, not that I was ever a
shrinking violet. Looking back I can see what an over-
confident act I used, just to keep people at arms
length. I was so scared that they would see how
insecure I was about things, how scared I was of
rejection. No, now it feels different, it feels far
more private, quiet somehow. Yes, quiet is a good word.
Tolerance is another change, not that I believe I was
particularly intolerant either, it just that I know how
much my views on so many things have been changed these
past 2 years. I suppose that much of this comes from
having the freedom to explore and express how I really
think and feel about, well, most everything.
I don't believe there is anything I could shock Tanos
with, even though some of the things I feel free to
explore, if only in theory, have shocked me.
One of the most significant things, in this respect,
has been my feelings about my own sexuality and how
that fits at the moment and how it has the potential to
fit into my world.
Like so many things in my life I have always bought
into, and held firmly onto what other people told me
was my "norms". Like the good girl I am, I did not
stray, not even in thought, outside of those barriers
which held me so tightly on, what others believe to be,
the right track for me.
If a relationship had any hope of a happy ending for me
it had to be strictly heterosexual and absolutely
Like so many of my old, unquestioned, norms I am not so
resolute about them now.
In my pursuit of absolute security I always believed
that monogamy was the only wayI could live my life. The
reality, however, has been somewhat different.
Security, for me at least, has been an integral part of
my enslavement. It has grown from the openess and
honesty and the comittment, love and intimacy so
prevalent in our relationship. One thing I've learned
is that security doesn't come from numbers, so it
really doesn't matter whether those things take place
between two individuals or more than two individuals,
so long as all the people involved in a relationship
work hard to achieve that level of security.
When I was first hoping to develop a D/s relationship I
would have dismissed the notion of any relationship
which was not monogamous, without really knowing why.
That said, I am no fool, I am aware, if only in theory,
of some of the problems that can arise when a man
develops a relationship with more than one woman, let
alone attempts to hold them both as slaves. I also know
that I am talking, at present, from a purely monogamous
relationship. Still, I can't help thinking how special
it must be to have a relationship in which all those
involved experience such a high level of security,
because, in order to feel that secure there would have
to exist so much love, caring and intimacy. Those
people have developed something wonderful.
Perhaps my freedom to explore so many things comes from
another significant change in me, my apparent shift
from absolute pessimist to eternal optimist.
On reflection I can honestly say it's been the best two
years of my whole life (so far.)
Edited Fri 15 Mar 02, 11:52 AM by lili