O&P website and blog,
are where most of my new writing on M/s appears. The IE website will stay
online indefinitely to host the IE Essays and lili's writings.
lili and I pursued our M/s relationship from 2000 to 2008, and lili has kindly given her permission for these essays and posts to remain here, in the hope that submissives and slaves will continue to be helped and inspired by them.
Some things change faster than others.
Posted by lili on Tue 5 Nov 02, 9:28 PM
This is a bit of a cheat really, since it was something
i wrote a good while back (and had forgotten about.)
Re-reading it brought back such a vivid recollection of
how i felt then that i really didn't want to lock it
away again, so here it is.
Many things change, but some things change faster than
I certainly have (and still do to some extent) attempt
to hide the truth behind an appropriate facade. Mostly,
I believe, its to avoid the pain of feeling rejected.
If what is rejected is only an act then the real me
hasn't really suffered a rejection but if the true me
gets rejected then I have to deal with that on a far
more intimate level.
It never fails to amaze me how easily fooled people can
be by such acts. In many ways I think it's their way of
protecting themselves too. I truly believe that many of
the people who have fallen for one of my acts, people
who know me well enough to be able to see the truth
without my saying it, have done so because they hear
and see what they would prefer to hear and see. Truth
can be painful to more than one person.
A good example would be my mother, who often fell for
the "I'm perfectly happy alone" act I put on for her.
It was far less painful for her to believe that than
the "I'm unhappy and vulnerable" truth that was lying
behind it. I don't blame her, or anyone, for falling
for such things, I think its part of human nature,
unfair as that can be sometimes.
I think, in many ways, the ability to say, do and act
in the most "appropriate" way comes from being
sensitive (empathic?) to the needs of others in a way
that many women seem to be. This empathetic nature
seems to be highly developed in the many submissive
women I have come across and I wonder, sometimes, which
comes first? The sensitivity or the submissive nature
(and all the hang ups that seem to go with it.)
As for the nature of our relationship, well living with
someone who was never completely fooled by so many of
my "class-acts" was extremely unnerving to begin with.
As time goes by my ability to hide anything, least of
all the truth, is deminishing. How I deal with that has
had to change too, since my old ways don't work too
well with him either.
This, at times, can be wonderfully comforting, since,
so often, I am denied the opportunity to decide whether
to hide or be open about something. However, there are
still times when it leaves me feeling extremely
vulnerable and I find myself desperately trying to deal
with that. Sometimes it comes out as anger or
frustration, sometimes it is sadness and tears.
Reactance episodes still play a part in our lives,
albeit not as extreme or as frequent as they used to.
All of these things don't fit well with what I wish to
be, my idea of the perfect-slave least of all those
used as guidelines in so many on-line and general BDSM
fictional and non-fictional material. I have found more
reasons to feel inadequate than encouragement in such
Edited Tue 5 Nov 02, 9:34 PM by lili