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The O&P website and blog, forums, and wiki are where most of my new writing on M/s appears. The IE website will stay online indefinitely to host the IE Essays and lili's writings. lili and I pursued our M/s relationship from 2000 to 2008, and lili has kindly given her permission for these essays and posts to remain here, in the hope that submissives and slaves will continue to be helped and inspired by them.

Freaky button

Posted by lili on Mon 12 May 03, 7:22 PM

Well it's been a long time coming but i finally feel like putting the proverbial pen to paper and writing down some thoughts on my life as a slave.

i guess i needed my months of hibernation to really let things settle in my head..and here's the start of the weird thoughts and revelations that have come to me so far.

Here am i, feeling like the butterfly struggling out of the winter coccoon, finally free to fly...stretching out my colourful wings...only to look around and find my coccoon was the egg, and i'm the catepillar!

i agree...thats way too profound, but i like the analogy.

Anyway, recent and not so recent events (because i feel they have actually been a long time coming) have brought me to some pretty weird discoveries about myself, my needs, why things work or do not work. i've learnt about my amazing ability to spend so many adult years of my life not knowing anything at all about myself.

i feel blessed to be free, although i'm not so sure that i am truely free since i continually find myself thinking i'm finished only to find that the next stage has already begun.

i do not and might never know everything there is to know about me.

Like pandora...i look into the box, squinting towards the darkest corners, afraid of what i might find but more terrified that i might, so easily, have spent my whole life so wrapped in the cotton wool of a routine and normal life that i never actually got to experience anything real.

Am i submissive, shy, aggressive or assertive, angry, sad, masochistic, needy? Am i loving, lazy, intelligent or stupid, hateful, straight, bisexual, mixed up, screwed up or more real than anyone i've ever known?

a snapshot of questions asked at least once yet my desire to ask them tells more than any true answer...

Edited Mon 12 May 03, 9:13 PM by lili

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