O&P website and blog,
are where most of my new writing on M/s appears. The IE website will stay
online indefinitely to host the IE Essays and lili's writings.
lili and I pursued our M/s relationship from 2000 to 2008, and lili has kindly given her permission for these essays and posts to remain here, in the hope that submissives and slaves will continue to be helped and inspired by them.
Posted by lili on Mon 12 May 03, 7:22 PM
Well it's been a long time coming but i finally feel
like putting the proverbial pen to paper and writing
down some thoughts on my life as a slave.
i guess i needed my months of hibernation to really let
things settle in my head..and here's the start of the
weird thoughts and revelations that have come to me so far.
Here am i, feeling like the butterfly struggling out of
the winter coccoon, finally free to fly...stretching out
my colourful wings...only to look around and find my
coccoon was the egg, and i'm the catepillar!
i agree...thats way too profound, but i like the analogy.
Anyway, recent and not so recent events (because i feel
they have actually been a long time coming) have brought
me to some pretty weird discoveries about myself, my
needs, why things work or do not work. i've learnt about
my amazing ability to spend so many adult years of my
life not knowing anything at all about myself.
i feel blessed to be free, although i'm not so sure that
i am truely free since i continually find myself
thinking i'm finished only to find that the next stage
has already begun.
i do not and might never know everything there is to
know about me.
Like pandora...i look into the box, squinting towards
the darkest corners, afraid of what i might find but
more terrified that i might, so easily, have spent my
whole life so wrapped in the cotton wool of a routine
and normal life that i never actually got to experience
Am i submissive, shy, aggressive or assertive, angry,
sad, masochistic, needy? Am i loving, lazy, intelligent
or stupid, hateful, straight, bisexual, mixed up,
screwed up or more real than anyone i've ever known?
a snapshot of questions asked at least once yet my
desire to ask them tells more than any true answer...
Edited Mon 12 May 03, 9:13 PM by lili