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The O&P website and blog, forums, and wiki are where most of my new writing on M/s appears. The IE website will stay online indefinitely to host the IE Essays and lili's writings. lili and I pursued our M/s relationship from 2000 to 2008, and lili has kindly given her permission for these essays and posts to remain here, in the hope that submissives and slaves will continue to be helped and inspired by them.

Violence against women

Posted by lili on Wed 31 Aug 05, 11:42 PM

Recent discussions have raised a number of issues around female submissives, safety and early play in BDSM and where i do acknowledge that safety is an issue for any woman (after all i am one) it's not just a "first date" problem. In fact, if you were to look at the reality of violence against women, the fact is that most women who become victims of violence do so in domestic abuse situations and not because they agree to "play" too early.

At least 1 in 4 women experience domestic violence (i.e. has been beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused) and usually, the abuser is a member of her own family or someone known to her.

If we are talking only of women into SM then the facts tell us something even more shocking. A nationwide study (1994) found that of the 539 lesbian and bisexual S/M women surveyed 56% had experienced discrimination or violence from other women within the lesbian community because of their participation in consensual S/M and 47% had experienced harassment from other women.

The issues of safety faced by many women are exacerbated when they are looking for BDSM or SM play and are often further compounded if she is submissive.

Don't get me wrong, i do believe safety advice and support is always worthwhile but i have concerns when it is promoted along with statements which apportion equal blame to the victims of abuse (because they chose to play "too" early). Experience tells me to worry even more when that so called "advice" (no matter how well intentioned) comes from someone who obviously has little concept or understanding of the real issues about safety faced by women in the 21st century.

"Don't play too soon" advice is all well and good, but how soon is too soon? First date (with no previous contact)? First date, but with 6 months of phone calls and e-mails? Never first date, second date then..third...when?

The fact is violence and abuse is more likely to start after 6 months, 12 months, 2 years of domesticity than it is to occur on the first date with someone but where is the advice for this majority?

Where is the advice about when to get out? Where is the advice about how to spot the start of an abusive situation? And who tells these women where to go and who can help them when they finally realise they may need to leave? How do they seek such help when they have entered a relationship that involves BDSM?

On average a woman is assaulted 35 times before her first call to the police - what does that tell you? If she's involved in BDSM it's likely she won't ever make that call. What advice and support should we be offering her?


Edited Wed 26 Dec 07, 1:18 PM by lili

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