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The O&P website and blog, forums, and wiki are where most of my new writing on M/s appears. The IE website will stay online indefinitely to host the IE Essays and lili's writings. lili and I pursued our M/s relationship from 2000 to 2008, and lili has kindly given her permission for these essays and posts to remain here, in the hope that submissives and slaves will continue to be helped and inspired by them.

Enlightenment

Posted by lili on Sat 11 Mar 06, 7:53 AM

i've been sitting here staring at a blank screen for what seems like a lifetime, trying desperately to think of what words to write. It feels like such a long time since i've felt the need to write something serious, something meaningful and now it comes to doing it, i'm struggling.

i can't begin to count how many times i've thought about the gap i've left in terms of written essays. Looking back my last fully thought out essay was 2003 and although i've used weblogs to some extent, there are only one or two of those i've written which came anywhere near to describing my emotions with any real depth of meaning.

i've been confused and disorientated, and i think the death of my mother was the catalyst in some of that. It hit me sideways and sent me spinning out of control. Up to that point i'd kept a hand written journal which, over the years, was the place i used to record my deepest and sometimes darkest secrets (alongside the trivia, the chaos, joys and pleasures of being me.) Bereavement traumatises the psyche in ways too profound to describe. At the depths of that i asked permission to stop writing because i found the way i used my jounal to focus my emotions into the moment was too painful to endure. Tanos allowed it, i think for the sake of my mental health at the time.

Sadly it has left me with a gap in my history. As i've risen from the darkness i didn't plot the journey. Many of those emotions are lost now, perhaps forever, and i deeply regret it. i think recording them would have allowed me to re-visit them with clarity, once the veils of grief were lifted and i would have seen things differently. It is one of my regrets.

But this was meant to be a happy entry, so i shall attempt to turn things around.

Yes i was lost and, although it would be unfair and untrue of me to say i regret wandering from my path, i have learnt so much about myself. Coming back into the fold of M/s means i appreciate it more for what it means to me. i have clarity and i have purpose. i understand myself better and i know what it is i need to do.

i feel increasingly at peace and, although at first i spent a lot of time concerned that my new found content would disappear at the slightest breath, i've found it not to be so. In the same way i struggle to sleep when i'm at my most exhausted, i struggle to write when i am bursting with things to say. Right now things seem too clear and obvious to be real. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, is my dream world technicoloured or is it my reality?

Things seem so easy right now. i pinch myself and say how could i have not seen my answers when they are so obvious to me now.

It feels good to be back.

lili x

Edited Sat 11 Mar 06, 8:00 AM by lili

 
 
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